Bill and Hayley’s Wedding Ends in Disaster — and a Major Paternity Twist Is Revealed!

Bill and Hayley’s big day has finally arrived, though it ends up looking more like a funeral than a wedding — in more ways than one.

Let’s start with the bridal party. How is Hayley supposed to get hyped on her big day when her only bridesmaid is on her husband’s payroll? Heck, Caroline is even in charge of Hayley’s makeup. Was Bill too cheap to hire a glam squad for his blushing bride? Hey, at least she has Caroline’s fake diamond necklace to wear down the aisle. Poor Hayley really will settle for the bare minimum.

Given the cloud of depression hanging over their heads, it’s no wonder why Hayley spends most of the morning telling Caroline about her rough childhood — no siblings, her dad left her mom when she was pregnant, etc. Come on, we thought weddings are supposed to be fun!

Dani and Andre’s Morning After

Dani, meanwhile, is starting her day with a smile on her face… and a younger man in her bed. She agrees with Andre that their night together was “like a dream,” but she says that’s exactly how it needs to stay. She doesn’t regret having “mind-bending” sex with her sister’s nephew (no relation!), but she’s too raw to get involved with anyone.

Professional playboy Andre is totally cool with keeping things casual, reminding Dani, “If you ever get lonely, you’ve got options.” He even suggests that Dani should let her neighbors see him leaving her house, thus proving to the world that she’s over Bill.

There’s just one problem with that, Dani explains: “But I’m not.”

Dani Makes a Painful Plea

Exactly how not over Bill is Dani, you ask? Let’s just say she’s desperate enough to visit him before the wedding and calmly ask him to reconsider marrying Hayley. To her credit, this is a far more levelheaded version of Dani than the one who assaulted Bill in his office earlier this week. A night of good sex will do that to a person.

“Stop this ridiculous wedding to that ridiculous girl and come home where you belong,” Dani says, suggesting that she and Bill can actually become a stronger couple than ever, but not if he’s in “some farce of a marriage with Hayley.”

At first, Dani’s last-ditch effort appears to be working. Bill tells Dani that she was his everything. He calls her “beautiful” and “exquisite,” and he runs his fingers through her hair. They reminisce about the night they met at a professional football player’s party. “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful,” he says. “That’s what makes this moment so sad.”

That’s when the real Bill comes out. He says it pains him to see how desperate Dani has become, asking what happened to the pride that made him fall in love with her?

“I can’t believe you would fix your mouth to say something so hurtful,” she says, adding that he’s responsible for making her this way. Bill tells her she needs to show some grace, be the bigger person and forgive Hayley, but Dani is done listening. “Stop talking,” she says. “I have finally heard enough.”

Furious, Dani returns home and marches straight up to her bedroom, where she retrieves a mysterious box from her closet. Is it a hat? Is it a gun? Is it the last remaining shred of her dignity? Stay tuned to find out!

Andre Shifts His Sights Back to Ashley

Over at Garland Memorial Hospital, Andre is proving exactly how casual he is by pressing Kat for details about Nurse Ashley — you know, as if he didn’t just climb out of Dani’s bed.

Ted notes that Ashley isn’t Andre’s typical “woman of the world” type, to which Nicole adds that Andre will probably forget about her anyway, as his attention span “leaves a lot to be desired.”

Feeling fully judged, Andre continues the video shoot, in which Nicole and Ted wax nostalgic about meeting for the first time at a medical conference in Miami. As they recall, they were fully locked in from the moment their eyes met. “No other woman has pierced my radar since,” Ted says.

Pretty much everything out of Ted’s mouth this week has been dramatic foreshadowing, but this is easily his most suggestive line yet. (Enjoy your marriage while it lasts, Nicole!)

Andre later catches up with Ashley, offering to walk her to her car in the hospital parking lot. But fate has other plans, trapping Andre and Ashley in a broken elevator with a pregnant patient… who’s going into labor!

The Duprees Serve Pre-Wedding Drama

Cut to the wedding, where everyone is dressed in black like they’re attending a funeral. Dani is even wearing a little black veil, like she’s the grieving widow. It’s a brilliantly backhanded way for the community to show exactly how much they “support” Bill and Hayley’s nuptials.

Bill, of course, objects to the funeral motif, but Vernon is quick to point out the similarities. “In a way, they are” at a funeral, he says. “Tonight, we bury your influence over my family. This is the last favor you’ll ever get from a Dupree.” (Good luck with that.)

Dani seems relatively calm, especially given everything she’s been through today. “Things work out the way they’re supposed to,” she says. “If I end up here, tonight of all nights, it’s for as reason.” If you’re beginning to suspect that Dani has a plan up her sleeve, congratulations, you’d make a better detective than Jacob.

Bill tries to apologize (can you believe it?) for the way he spoke to Dani earlier, but she isn’t in any mood for bygones. “I hope my forced presence is a dark cloud that has a negative impact on the rest of your miserable lives,” she tells him, tossing a drink in his face for good measure.

Nicole questions whether Dani is actually still in love with Bill, or if she’s just afraid of starting over and being alone. Dani says she’s pissed, which she forgot for a minute, but she’s now fully committed to making Bill pay. “I’m not letting go, not until Bill suffers.” She then tells her daughters, “No matter what happens, never doubt or forget that I love you something fierce.” Cryptic!

Elsewhere during the cocktail hour: Kat is asked out by Tomas, one of Bill’s hotter employees; Vanessa and her husband discuss a trip to the Bahamas, where they’ll probably both cheat on each other; Bill tells Martin he wants to remain a figure in his life, adding that it wouldn’t be wise for the Duprees to freeze him out; and Martin overhears Smitty talking to an “old acquaintance” on the phone about feeling wanted again. (Our guess is that Smitty is simply fielding a job offer. Nothing about this week has led us to believe that he’d have an interesting secret.)

Is Eva Secretly Ted’s Daughter?

Before we get to the moment that everyone (except Dani) has been waiting for, it’s time for another reveal.

Following her interview with Nicole, Eva comes home with good news for Leslie, who’s apparently her “surrogate” mother; Eva’s biological mother d.i.e.d when she was much younger, so Leslie has been the only mom she’s ever known.

Not only did Eva get the job as Nicole’s assistant, but “she has no clue who we are and that we even exist on the planet,” Eva says. This is the day Leslie has been dreaming about. “You’re finally going to be where you should have been all along — in your father’s house.”

Well, that solves one mystery — Leslie is interested in Ted because he’s Eva’s biological father! So much for Ted’s un-pierceable radar, huh?

Dani Holds Her Gun But Not Her Peace

OK, it’s wedding time! Caroline kicks things off by walking down the aisle solo, as she’s Hayley’s only bridesmaid.

A few people (on Bill’s payroll) stand for Hayley as she walks down the aisle, but you could cut the tension in the room with a knife. And when the whole “speak now or forever hold your peace” part comes up, Dani takes her cue.

“Me, I object!” she announces, pulling out a gun and pointing it at the happy-ish couple. As screams begin to ring out, she takes her aim and fires.

But who caught Dani’s bullet? And did any of this actually happen, or will we find out on Monday that it was just a daydream and that Dani never actually interrupted the wedding? You have to admit, it would be hard to come back from this, even for a professional loose cannon like Dani.